#tw trauma talk

[syscultureis]

In like- all seriousness I think this really goes to show how fucked up trauma internet culture really messed up a lot of people’s interpretation of trauma :/ Trauma comparing and saying people with certain traumas aren’t valid because yours was worse definitely had a big hand to play in endo systems existing. Constantly saying that common traumas like divorce, foster care, isolation, and even emotional abuse isn’t “bad enough” to be valid fucked a lot of people up. To the point where it took Admin years to finally admit that their entire family was terrible because all of them were angry, verbally abusive people because online spaces and even some IRL spaces didn’t treat that as actual trauma. -Sire + B0ffy

The trauma we remembered during early system discovery never invovled being physically touched.

Because of this we had so much denial about having enough trauma to be a system.

Because we were "only" neglected

And "only" verbally abused

And "only" ever threatened

It's such bullshit that because of trauma Olympics use and so many others don't think their trauma is enough to leave the effects that they have.

It's so awful :/

[rhineposting]

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING CONTENT AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

And I am the idiot with the painted face

In the corner, taking up space

But when he walks in, I am loved

I am loved...?

Once more, I cannot stress enough that this depiction is not meant to be perceived in a positive light whatsoever - despite the drawing being referenced from a painting typically associated with romance.

The intention was to convey how in that particular scenario, Hunter's perception of reality and his relationship with Belos is warped from his inner turmoils resulting both from that unhealthy infatuation as well as the abuse he endured.

As he's desperate for any positive emotional stimuli, he clings onto what little vulnerability and intimacy Belos offers him - glamorizing it in his brain and treating it as evidence that Belos isn't actually horrible, without realising that they are a form of abuse too, designed to keep him loyal and in line.

And almost last but not least, I am still not a licensed professional in psychology. All my knowledge on abuse comes from personal and thus to some degree subjective observation of both fiction and reality, you know the drill.

Image Description : A painting of Belos and Hunter from The Owl House, morbidly referencing the painting "The Kiss" by Gustav Klimt. Much like the original painting, it is colored mostly in yellows, oranges and warm browns.

To the right, Hunter is shown wearing his Golden Guard uniform, his white cape adorned with patterns consisting of orange dots and brown vines shaped into spirals. He looks off to the side with an expression of both exhaustion and bitter fulfillment at the same time, as he's slightly smiling. His left hand is gently laid over Belos' hand and wrist, which is holding him by the chin in what he believes to be an affectionate gesture.

To the left stands an alternate version of Belos that does not exist in canon, as he appears significantly younger with brown hair, with his blemishes being colored blue : referencing his initial storyboard version.

He is wearing a black robe with a white cape and brown pauldrons over it, resembling the clothes he was first shown in. The cape is adorned with rectangular orange, white and brown patterns, momentarily covered up with circular cross-hatching : also brown colored.

Despite holding Hunter's face by his chin and by the back of his head in what appears to be a tender and intimate gesture, he stares down at Hunter with a neutral expression that borders on being resentful : to which Hunter is oblivious. His left eye, which is obscured by the shadows, emits a slight blue glow.

The background meanwhile is painted over with light brown colored spirals, waves and yellow dots that are overlaid on top of a yellow and golden background. The patterns form no specific shape. End description.

[saltbind]

the really funny thing to me abt getting back into this fandom is that it’s actually been helpful in terms of my trauma as an incest survivor. like, someone made a post about how even if no sex ever happened between sam and dean their relationship was still incestuous. and unless i repressed something that’s true of my own trauma, but i’ve been kind of treating it like it was Lesser or not really incest because of that.

but no! that post had a point! covert/emotional incest is still incest! i still have a right to consider myself an incest survivor and my trauma is not somehow less because of it.

it’s very funny to me that the Incest Fandom is. helping me with my own shit. like i’m still never going to read or ship johndean bc it’s literally exactly my trauma dynamic and i still have it blacklisted but! it’s helpful nonetheless.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I might be age regressing?? I just

I'm not the only one in my body it feels like a kid is here too i can't think and my head hurts and it's like it's pushing me away i don't know what s happening

[leaf-fall-down]

Thanks, I was curious about what their lives were like before they were infected. As for the something that happened in Tracy's life, was it something traumatic?

Absolutely. There's a vague thought bouncing around in my head about what it is she went through, but it's not really fleshed out. The whole point of that trauma is that she doesn't say what it is to any of the established characters, it's just left to the imagination.

The vague thought that I have about it is that it didn't directly affect her, it was a family issue. It wasn't something she was told a lot about, she just knew something bad was happening and no one would tell her what it was. This lead to a feeling of a lack of control, and that started the domino effect.

[kylorenscar]

"...and I have to live with that. Forever."

[waffles-and-flapjacks]

anyone else with ptsd just like. become so obsessed with your own trauma and suffering it's really all you care about or brings you life and interest? at least before recovery. I am not healed or recovered. still very much unhealthy and suffering lol.

I feel so selfish for it but I hear it's a thing in some literature I'm reading so it's nice to not be alone but I always figured it was a flaw of mine, something selfish.

maybe it's just the rewiring of my brain and trauma though... heh. so it makes sense.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[tealvenetianmask]

Does Blitz blame himself for Cash's abuse?

Stick with me, and I'm truly sorry.

All of the people except Cash featured in the memories Rolando shows Blitz are people who Blitz has cared deeply for and felt like he hurt, failed to get close to, or let down.

Let's look at them (again, yes)

Tilla

Fizz

Verosika

Loona

M&M

Barbie

A whole lot of Stolas

So. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Is Cash Fucking Buckzo. Doing in this line-up?

Well. Hurting Blitz, horribly. My first meta on this scene didn't really capture this, but as many have pointed out, this is Cash grabbing Blitz's freshly burned wrist after the fire and smacking the ever living shit out the burned side of his face. Presumably blaming him for the fire and everything (and everyone) lost from it. And then Cash telling Blitz in the hospital that Fizz doesn't want to see him.

It's emphasized too. Right after we see the memory of Cash hitting Blitz, we see Blitz physically flinch while watching it.

So if this is just a compilation of horrible memories, maybe that's all there is to it.

But if it's a grouping of the people Blitz cares for, well . . . it makes sense for it to be that, doesn't it? Blitz has a lot of love in him, and yet he's scared of intimacy. His trauma is ABOUT hurting people, losing people, driving people away, craving closeness that he can't have . . .

Being an abuse victim is complicated. Being a family scapegoat is complicated too. A lot of abusers try to make the victim think that they're ACTUALLY the cause of their pain and everyone else's, and we already know that Cash did this to Blitz (literally in this same set of memories in the hospital).

But we also saw it in The Circus when Blitz was much younger, and saw how much this tactic got to Blitz.

Cash guilts his son into going into a dangerous situation for him. If Blitz doesn't do this, their lack of resources, the possible suffering of his parents . . . it will all be Blitz's fault.

And Blitz cares deeply (he always has!), so he does it.

Now one might argue that Blitz says "of course I want to help Mama" here and leaves Cash out of his reply, so he doesn't love his father. But reality is often more complicated than that. He's upset here that Cash is forcing this on him. Cash hurts him. His mother (seemingly) offers much more love. That doesn't mean that Blitz doesn't ALSO feel some care and responsibility for his father's wellbeing.

I think that Blitz believes (or at least a significant part of him believes) that he destroyed Cash's life too with the fire, and that he deserved that beating and being turned away from the hospital and possibly many of the beatings and beratings that Cash delivered in the past. I think that in the moment when Cash grabbed him, he felt that he fully deserved the agony he felt when Cash held his wrist.

I think a part of him loved his father growing up and still loves him-- that there were moments between the incidents of cruelty where they had fun together as a family, and where looked up to his dad and wanted desperately to win his approval.

I think that Blitz has a lot of anger toward Cash too, and that a part of him always knew that Cash was wrong to hurt him. He had a whole lot of resilience and defiance in him even as a young kid.

I think that he felt guilty for all of the times he felt angry at his father. I think he might still.

I'm off to cry and then grab my pitchfork and storm wherever Cash is living nowadays. Who's with me?

[shepscapades]

[Part 1] [Part 2] [PART 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Don’t Let it Reach the Heart]

Finally! Part 3 is here!! yippee!!! As a refresher, this takes place at the beginning of season 9, when Doc and Xisuma try to boot Etho back up after he shuts down pre-Season 8 Finale, set to the vibes of Joywave’s Destruction from DBHC Etho’s playlist! Ouguguh I’ve been looking forward to posting this part so much; it has some of my favorite shots so far… something about the grey-fade of Doc going into shock, something about the last two pages with xisuma and doc’s expressions… idk!! i really loved working on these :] Hope you’re enjoying the horrific, horrific ride!! =w=

As a partially insignificant but Special-To-Me note: Xisuma has always referred to dbhc doc as “Docm”— this is actually the first time X ever calls him “Doc.”

[rhineposting]

So is the implication from that headcanon is that Belos sexually a*saulted Hunter? If yes, why did he do it? Is it like a chain of harm thing, like he himself was abused as a child, or was it just to be a prick?

The short answer would be yes, but the long version is a bit more complex than that.

More in-depth, but possibly triggering answer, below the cut

Okay, so. I'll begin with a disclaimer again.

The Belos pictured above is not canon Belos, and never was supposed to be. He exists solely as a device to explore an alternative scenario that would not make sense for canon Belos, as well as the weight behind it.

The main difference between this Belos and the canon one, is that he does not perceive Hunter as his nephew - to him, he was simply the boy he made specifically for being available at the snap of a finger. The abuse depicted in canon was clearly based on familial bonds, so I wanted to stray from that.

Disclaimer over.

So. Let's begin with Hunter.

While he is certainly a victim, assault isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe the specific type of sexual abuse he had gone through. To me, assault always implied something sudden, violent and unwanted from the get go - you know it's wrong from the start.

And that's precisely the opposite of Hunter's situation as depicted in the fic.

He's what I like to call an Unsympathetic Victim - the kind that most people doubt when they describe their story, the kind that doesn't fit into the convenient, tasteful or sometimes fetishized box of what being a victim means. Sucks, but unfortunately, it still happens everywhere. Those people, though their experiences and feelings are viewed unsavory or even sometimes disgusting by society, are still just as valid as those approved by it. Trauma isn’t a fucking measuring contest, and that’s that.

As for what that exactly entails...

Hunter, due to being isolated from peers and other adults, ended up developing an unhealthy infatuation with Belos, which resulted both from him being the only "good" adult in his life, as well as intrusive thoughts based in his already existing trauma, on top of teenage hormonal changes. Of course, he had no idea that it was wrong. He had no reference points whatsoever on what was right and wrong.

At some point he had admitted to those feelings and normal for his age desires - which, unfortunately to him, Belos decided to entertain. I won't go too much into detail, but eventually, Belos and Hunter's already awful relationship ended up gaining a sexual layer to it.

Here is where the "unsympathetic" part starts :

Due to his lack of proper education and severe emotional manipulation from Belos, Hunter never considered himself a victim. Right up until he started watching that movie with Luz, he thought it was perfectly normal for a teenager and an adult to be in a sexual relationship. Of course, for him the adult in question turned out to be a genocidal maniac and narcissist, but he never hated those more intimate parts. If anything, he was always happy to participate as he did enjoy it, as ugly as it may sound.

Of course, his logic skips on the parts where Belos guilt-tripped consent out of him, or that he was afraid of the disappointment that would follow after openly saying no, which as we know resulted in physical abuse in canon. All he knew was that he trusted Belos and that the act itself was physically pleasurable for both of them, so it couldn't have actually been something wrong. That it couldn't have been abuse as well.

That is, again, right up until he was proven otherwise by Luz, to which he reacted with brief panic then shutting down. Not only was that last illusion of normalcy taken away from him, now he believes it was his fault for having those thoughts to begin with. If there was one thing Belos taught him well, it was the art of self-victim blaming.

But in shorter words...

No. Technically speaking Hunter was not assaulted - rather, he was groomed and coerced, and mayhaps gaslit. While those two situations are both sexual abuse, they are two different kinds of it and that kind of distinction is important.

Now, as for Belos...

I personally do not like writing him with a "chain of harm" trope, as likely as it might've been, because I feel like it defeats the point of him consciously making the decision to do the wrong thing for over 400 years.

However, reducing it to him just "being a prick" misses the point as well.

Canon Belos first and foremost, wanted to have complete and utter authority and control over Hunter, while also demanding devotion, adoration and loyalty from him - which applies to This version of Belos as well.

So, when Hunter ended up coming forward with his intrusive thoughts and desires, to Belos it was an opportunity for two things :

Truly becoming Hunter's number one everything - further preventing him from finding someone else to possibly prioritize over him, which is why in canon he detested the sight of Flapjack so much, on top of him being Caleb's/Evelyn's palisman. Anyone from the outside of his influence was a threat to his control over Hunter. So, with him being Hunter's God, mentor, caretaker, superior and then """lover""", he was This close to stopping the redemption arc from happening. Alas, Flapjack and Luz still came around.

Satisfying physical urges without having to look too far, and without the risk of landing with someone who could stab him in the back. Hunter just so happened to be the perfect fit : willing, obedient, not ugly and always available. Sometimes, that's all there is to it with abusers.

In shorter words, again : 

It was more about asserting his control and blowing off steam while at it, not just being an asshole.

Again, I cannot stress enough that this headcanon/interpretation/whatever is NOT meant to be in any way titillating or romanticizing sexual abuse. It is, first and foremost, a character study that’s based and inspired both by personal experiences and observations of both fiction and real life - in hopes of partially bringing light to often overlooked or stigmatized effects and types of trauma. In case you were wondering, no I am still not a therapist or any other kind of licensed professional, so do Not take my word as 100% credible and without fault as I am only human. That will be all for now.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autistic trauma: School Edition

Hiding in the bathroom

Feel like social outcast

Constant self monitoring

Know you are not liked but not sure why

Bullied

Hyper vigilant

Lonely

Crying at home

Last pick for games

No real friends

Not invited to parties

Littlepuddins.ie

[cryptidsandchamomile]

I'm in my childhood home and almost every night i wake up from horrible nightmares that are basically just.. trauma memories but even more extreme

I can't sleep anymore and now I'm also experiencing flashbacks in the form of physical touch

The worst part is that i still can't fully remember if any of this *actually* happened to me or if I'm just making it up

[lets-go-hurt-someone]

Am I the only one who actually prefers the Araj confession from Astarion? I see so many people wax poetic about the “nice, simple plan” scene and how much better it is that I want to wax poetic a little about my favourite.

The first time I played BG3, I didn’t know anything about Astarion’s background and I thought he was a jerk. When I first ran into Araj at Moonrise, I was surprised that he wasn’t interested in biting her, but he gave his reasons and I was like, damn, okay, that sucks but I’m not gonna force him to do anything. He said no, so it’s a no. Then I moved on, and genuinely thought nothing of it.

When he hit me with the Araj confession at camp, when he explained how he felt in front of her and how easy it would have been to just grin and bear it and do as he was told, I started crying. Sometimes I struggle to even put into words the emotions it brought up — not the smallest of which was the realisation that I had had more respect for this video game character that I didn’t even like at the time than a lot of people had ever had for me, a real fucking human being.

So I love absolutely everything about that scene, from the writing to the performance to all the different ways it can play out. I know the other confession is more cute and sweet and romantic, but the Araj one held up a mirror to me and genuinely made me confront myself and change how I approach intimacy. Which is kind of an embarrassing thing to say about a video game romance scene but here I am saying it.

Because if this fucking rude ass pixel boy (affectionate) can learn to be honest about his needs and limits and have them respected, then so can I, goddamnit. And that will always be so much more profound to me than a nice, simple plan that fell apart.

[futuretherapoo]

Its insane how certain behaviours and actions of a parent absolutely fucks up a child to the point where they won't be able to properly function as an adult.

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Nobody is “too young” to be cynical or jaded or hate their life. There is no appropriate age for that. If someone is experiencing that at any age, their mental health is at risk. Doesn’t matter how young they are, or how easy their life seems. Just because existential dread didn’t hit you until later in life, doesn’t mean everyone else gets to be so lucky.

“You think life sucks now? Just wait until you’re grown” okay grandpa what if they don’t make it to adulthood? What if it gets worse until they only see one way out and they take it? Stop being dismissive. Stop forcing your problems onto young people and start taking them seriously about things. Period.

(Inspired by this post)